To cyborg or not to cyborg? That is the question.
In 2018, I had two brain surgeries during one hospital stay. Two years later, after many challenging months of recovery, I had to make the choice to have a third brain surgery or not, to implant a device in my head that would help detect and eliminate seizure activity. The first time I had to make a brain surgery decision was hard enough. I don’t know if it was a more difficult decision the first time around – it was terrifying because I’d never done it before, but in some ways, the unknown made it an easier decision.
The rough part was, I knew the pain I was going to have to endure. I knew the smell of the hospital, the sterility of the operating room, the weeks of headaches, the swollen face, the fatigue, everything. On top of that, it was really emotionally challenging, not just for me, but for everyone around me. While it's hard to go through a major surgery, it's equally hard to watch a family member go through it. The process was a nightmare last time, and I had to choose if it was worth it to do it all again.
I was on the fence about a third surgery for a long time. It was a choice months in the making – until one fateful night in February 2020, when my decision was made clear: I almost died. I had a big, huge full body seizure, all by myself. I couldn’t call anyone, I couldn’t move myself to a safer position, and soon, I couldn’t breathe. Thankfully that seizure stopped before I suffocated, but that was when I officially made the decision: if there’s still something to be done to stop that from ever happening again, if there’s something more that will help keep me alive, I’m going to do it.
“I saved a life today. My own. Does that make me a hero? …I really can’t say. But yes.” – Michael Scott
So, I did it. August 12, 2020, I had a device called a Responsive Neurostimulator implanted in my head. It takes about a year or so to get the RNS machine fully compatible with each individual's brain, according to my neurologist, it’s detecting and stopping about 4 seizures a day that I don’t even notice.
Plus, I’m technically a cyborg. And that is pretty darn cool.
Thank you for being so honest about your journey and sharing.
This is a great blend of gently given data (I learned some things) and sharing of your heart and your story In an accessible way.
This is a beautiful post, Monica. You balance engaging depictions of what surgery is like, the emotional and physical toll it takes on everyone involved, and confronting your own mortality all at the same time while throwing in some incredible humor. Your recognition of the gravitas of Epilepsy combined with your upbeat style made this post an educational joy to read. Thank you!