Due to chronic anxiety, my fight or flight reflexes are heightened. Therefore, when I'm worried about something, my mind immediately goes to the worst-case scenario: What if we crash our car? What if my brain surgery doesn't work? What if I never figure out what I'm doing to do with my life? What if my friend dies? What if all my teeth have cavities? What if I fail all my classes and lose my scholarship? I do not like living with unknowns. I am so routine-oriented, I don’t even like switching seats in class.
There are counterarguments to nearly all of these irrational fears (you can read about that coping skill in my crows post), but the brain surgery worst-case has a deeper level: disappointing my people.
What if we go through the whole process of spending a week in the hospital with my head cut open, only to find that we couldn’t find a clear enough picture of the affected brain tissue? What if that area of the brain is inoperable? What if we did the operation, but nothing changed? I’d keep having seizures, and all of it would have been worthless. Thousands of dollars would be wasted, the pain would be worthless, the lost time would be gone, and I’d be letting down all the people who were rooting for me. All of their love, hopes, and prayers would be pointless.
…but that’s not quite true.
They love you, over and over They love you Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine Aching to find who they are, Oh they love you Oh you can feel how they love you Coated and warm, that's all they can do Is to love you.
-Dodie, "Burned Out"
Love and hope and prayer are positive concepts that come in unlimited quantities.
If my surgery didn’t work, I’d just be welcomed by more love, hope, and prayer. Sure, it’d be a bummer for me, still having seizures, but as far as my people go… love, hope, and prayer are never pointless. They only serve to create joy for all parties involved. No matter what happened with my surgery, I'd be in the middle of another tornado of love and support.
It took some tinkering, tweaking, and another surgery to figure things out completely, but the first surgery did its main job: we removed the most damaging piece of brain tissue, the part that was going to cause my brain and my hand to deteriorate over time. Overall, a success. All the while, bombarded with love, hope, and prayers.
Yes, difficult situations can end in the worst-case scenario. And frankly, it sucks when that happens. But worrying that a situation out of your control will make other people unhappy with you – that’s the pointless thing. If you have people who care about you enough to send love, hope, and prayers now, then no matter what happens, friend, they'll keep coming.
But if it helps, I’m sending you my love, hope, and prayers <3
Ah, what a beautiful post. I love your point that hope is never useless, even if it may feel that way in our brains. Thank you for sharing your story and also for comforting others, and making them feel heard.