Have you ever seen a crow? They’re not the prettiest birds, but they’ve got a strong presence about them. If they’re quiet, you may not even know they’re there. They’ll just silently observe their surroundings, and create a mildly unsettling presence, until they emit that insufferable *CAW CAW* in their scratchy, nasally crow cry.
My anxiety* is like being constantly watched by a crow. Quiet, until things seem too peaceful. Then they remind me of their unpleasant *CAW CAW*. The crow’s cry are my irrational thoughts, overwhelming worries, and reminders of whatever negative thing is happening in my life.
Last night, I was finally having a moment of peace, watching a movie with my family. I was wrapped up in the story, fascinated by what was going to happen next. Then someone paused it, and CAW CAW your friend who lives far away is sad – what would he think about you laughing right now? You’re a useless, terrible friend.
I was chatting with my friend about our favorite show, fully engaged and having a nice time. He stopped to take a sip of water. CAW CAW that person hasn’t responded to your text in over a day. He’s probably disgusted by you and never wants to see you again.
I was having a conversation about going to the dentist. Someone mentioned cavities, and how obnoxious it was to get them filled. CAW CAW you need to go to the dentist literally right now just in case you have cavities otherwise your teeth will rot.
I can’t just shoo away the crows, just like I can’t decide not to have anxiety. Anxiety is a mental illness, a chemical imbalance in my brain. However, I do my best to provide counter-arguments to the crows.
Yes, my friend is having a rough time, but he wouldn’t want me to be sad just because he is. He knows I care about him, and he’d be glad that at least one of us is smiling.
Yes, that person still hasn’t responded to my text. But we’re in college, he has a job, so he’s probably just genuinely busy. Doesn’t mean he hates me.
Yes, it’s possible I might have cavities, but it’s Sunday afternoon. The dentist isn’t even open. My teeth will not rot in the week or so before I’m able to see a dentist.
To be quite honest with you, the counter-arguments don’t always work. One side of my brain is rational, the other is focused on the crows. It creates a wrestling match in my mind: rational vs. irrational. So I have “earplugs,” so to speak, to block out the caws – if I can’t hear ‘em, I can’t believe ‘em. I have anxiety medication that I take on a regular basis, I see a therapist, I have support from my family and friends.
At the very least, I can watch “The Office” to drown out the sound. No one is louder than Michael Scott -- not even the crows.
*Sidenote: this is a description of my personal experience with anxiety. It's important to remember that everyone experiences mental illness differently. If you are struggling, you can find resources here. Don't hesitate to ask for help.
Thank you for sharing. Anxiety isn't an easy thing and even though it's hard it's nice knowing that you aren't facing it alone and that there are other people out there.
I wish all the young people I know could have that balancing voice in their brain that you have fostered.
I love that you also listed the counter to the crow's annoying CAW and great idea to add the resource link.